Depression - personal take

Just when you think things can't get worse this year, here comes a news of the suicide of a young actor. Sushant Singh Rajput. Any death news is disturbing to me, particularly this one being a suicide due to depression. This is especially a challenging time the entire world is facing and we are all at the risk of losing our minds. I have had quite a few experiences with this that showed some dark places of this world. I am writing this to share my experience and give hope to anyone going through similar things that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Always. There is always Hope. 

 As a child, me like everyone else never knew the real meaning to the word 'depression'. We all thought depression is just being sad when you failed an exam or dint get the cycle you always wished for. I had a wonderful childhood, never had any complaints. I was not very a expressive kid especially in the area of pain/sadness. I would just let go whenever I got physically hurt or got low marks. I won't even cry or talk about it, but would just divert myself and made myself happy. I had wonderful parents who accepted me for who I am, never pressured me. They were my best friends. 

My other friends though, had a lot of issues and whenever they were sad or crying I would just laugh internally. I felt all of them were crying over petty things but to me world was a dreamland. I couldn't understand or accept that they really were struggling. But still I would listen to them and give hope that they will overcome this. That in this whole wide world their problems were nothing to be sad for. They loved me and saw me as a ray of hope. In fact most of my friendships started when people started opening up to me regarding their problems. 

Cut to final year of my college. It was 7th semester holidays and I was at home binge watching Breaking bad. My dad had retired and was with me at home. I still remember the first few days of those holidays when I ignored him completely whenever he spoke to me because I was too involved in watching the series. He went to Sabarimala on the second week of my holidays, I went to central station, bid him good bye. Came home continued with breaking bad. Next day came the news in phone that he passed away due to heart attack while walking on the Sabari mala pathway. I immediately understood that my life going to change completely from that point. 

I will skip the details of what happened after. One detail to mention was, I was in so much denial/ inability to express myself that I was casually talking to everyone who came for the funeral and asking about their well being. I remember wishing my  best friend happy birthday with a smiling face while still waiting for my dad's body to reach Chennai. Everyone called me brave, they said you are not a girl, you are the man of the family. You should take care of your little brother and mother. I said "sure I will do that" to all of them, still having no clue what just happened. 

I joined college after the holidays, acted like nothing happened. Still made jokes like I used to. When my friends would visit me to ask about my dad, I would just talk about something else, make a joke and laugh and they were absolutely confused and uncomfortable. 

I continued this for very long. The more I deflected the pain , the weaker I became. My dad's demise was just a trigger to a rather miserable soul of mine. I just wanted to be brave and strong like everyone wanted me to. Atleast I believed that's was they wanted. Admitting that I was suffering would make me look weak and miserable and pitiful. I became more and more sensitive but never told anyone. I could no longer solve anyone's problems, I could no longer be a good friend to anyone. Due to this I tried my best to avoid social interactions, avoid meeting anyone, was alone as much as possible. Slept a lot.  A small hurtful word/action would make me cry. But I told no one. When a friend left me, I felt I was worthless of any friendship. When I dint sing well once, I thought I was talentless. When someone criticized me I felt I was good for nothing. I felt I was no one use to anyone.I would just cry for everything secretly. My family tried their best to cheer me up and my friends had no clue I was suffering this badly. 

It took me almost 5 years to realise that I never healed from dad's demise and that I was slowly losing myself. I believed everyone hated me, at one point I even felt people were staring at me for no reason, they were thinking things about me that were bad. 

Then began a loooooong episode of depression! But  I was aware this time what was going on! I understood nothing I felt was real. Everything was just in my head. 

I tried a few times to contact a psychiatrist, even booked an appointment once but never went. But I slowly started talking to my friends, opening up to my beloved ones. After I opned up, I understood how much people loved me, It was just me who hated myself.  One such friend completely supported me,never left my side and became my best friend and eventually my husband :-) I owned my sadness. I told myself it's ok to feel extremely weak, it's ok to take and not be the giver all the time. I allowed myself to take other people's time and efforts for myself. 

All is well now. One thing I learnt from this whole experience was 'I DESERVE your love, I DESERVE your care and attention, I DESERVE your time' and YOU deserve mine. I might feel depressed in the future but I know exactly what I need to do to come out of it. Thanks to anyone and everyone who helped me through this. I am returning back to being the giver and listener but I also know when I should talk and take. 

Please talk. Please don't feel ashamed. Please don't feel you are alone and no one will understand you. Please try. 🙏🙏🙏